Mayday on May Day / Steve Zissou / Wei Jie Chen

Oceanographer Steve Zissou is on a voyage to kill the elusive Jaguar Shark. However, several problems arise and nothing stays on course.

(cue Seu Jorge “Rebel Rebel” – start at 17 sec)
Mayday, Mayday, Mayday. There’s a small fire on our boat. Our radar has stopped working, and one of our oxygen tanks popped or something. We’ve been lost at sea for days, and there is a possibility that we’ve entered uncharted waters. Isn’t it a coincidence that today is May Day? Stop it, Pelé!
(end Seu Jorge “Rebel Rebel” – fade out)

He’s our safety expert. I’m making a Mayday call! It seems like nobody cares anymore. We need to find the Jaguar Shark and destroy him. Nobody remembers that it took a giant bite out of Esteban. He was a wonderful man, a handsome guy. His smile was magnificent; the light from the sun would reflect off his shiny teeth and hit my eyes. I wish he were here. Everything was going well before he was murdered by that shark. 

(cue Cough) I drank Zebra milk the other day. It was disgusting. I don’t know why we got Zebra milk! I spit out the Zebra milk and noticed the dolphins laughing at me. (cue Dolphins) We need to get rid of those dolphins… all they do is wait and burst out in laughter whenever they get the chance. People say they are intelligent animals… I have not seen any evidence of that. (end Dolphins) 

(cue Glass breaking) Klaus has been drinking heavily. I hope he’s able to help out with the fire effort, which doesn’t seem like much of an effort at this point. Klaus seems to be jealous of Kingsley or Ned, which is what he prefers to be called. I think he should stick with Kingsley; it’s such a great name. I would name my son Kingsley, and ever since I found out that he might be my son a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been calling him that. I’m glad we have him on board. He’s one of few actually trying to put out the fire. The interns are also helping out. They’re here to earn college credit. The others are either singing or drunk. Some fall into both categories. Anyway, Kingsley is enthusiastic. He reminds me of a younger me. He gives me hope.

(cue Whales) But that Jane. (cue Alarms) She insists that he keeps his original name. Oh, that pregnant minx. She is killing my relationship with Kingsley, and yet, I am in love with that woman. (cue Seu Jorge “Life on Mars” – fade in at 34 sec) She’s like a jelly donut. You know she’s fattening and bad for you, but you can’t resist the sweet stuff inside. Jane interviewed me just the other day. She was asking me ridiculous questions about my personal life. I was expecting her to ask me about my favorite color. I have a feeling our interview went well though, so I don’t understand why she is trying to avoid me. I think it's the hormones. You know how moody pregnant women get. I mean, we're hundreds of feet deep in the ocean. It's difficult for her to avoid me. She should stop trying. I have tried breaking into her room to see if she has written anything negative about me. I've been unsuccessful. You can say we have a bit of a love-hate relationship. I love her, she hates me. (end Seu Jorge “Life on Mars” – fade out around 1:35 [during instrumental part])

Steve Zissou (Wei Jie Chen) is an oceanographer and a documentarian of his voyages to sea. He prefers to be called Stevesy.

(cue Seu Jorge “Rebel Rebel”)
Mayday, Mayday, Mayday. There’s a small fire on our boat. Our radar has stopped working, and one of our oxygen tanks popped or something. We’ve been lost at sea for days, and there is a possibility that we’ve entered uncharted waters. Isn’t it a coincidence that today is May Day? Stop it, Pelé!
(end Seu Jorge “Rebel Rebel”)

He’s our safety expert. I’m making a Mayday call! It seems like nobody cares anymore. We need to find the Jaguar Shark and destroy him. Nobody remembers that it took a giant bite out of Esteban. He was a wonderful man, a handsome guy. His smile was magnificent; the light from the sun would reflect off his shiny teeth and hit my eyes. I wish he were here. Everything was going well before he was murdered by that shark.

(cue Cough) I drank Zebra milk the other day. It was disgusting. I don’t know why we got Zebra milk! I spit out the Zebra milk and noticed the dolphins laughing at me. (cue Dolphins) We need to get rid of those dolphins… all they do is wait and burst out in laughter whenever they get the chance. People say they are intelligent animals… I have not seen any evidence of that. (end Dolphins)

(cue Glass breaking) Klaus has been drinking heavily. I hope he’s able to help out with the fire effort, which doesn’t seem like much of an effort at this point. Klaus seems to be jealous of Kingsley or Ned, which is what he prefers to be called. I think he should stick with Kingsley; it’s such a great name. I would name my son Kingsley, and ever since I found out that he might be my son a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been calling him that. I’m glad we have him on board. He’s one of few actually trying to put out the fire. The interns are also helping out. They’re here to earn college credit. The others are either singing or drunk. Some fall into both categories. Anyway, Kingsley is enthusiastic. He reminds me of a younger me. He gives me hope.

(cue Whales) But that Jane. (cue Alarms) She insists that he keeps his original name. Oh, that pregnant minx. She is killing my relationship with Kingsley, and yet, I am in love with that woman. (cue Seu Jorge “Life on Mars”) She’s like a jelly donut. You know she’s fattening and bad for you, but you can’t resist the sweet stuff inside. Jane interviewed me just the other day. She was asking me ridiculous questions about my personal life. I was expecting her to ask me about my favorite color. I have a feeling our interview went well though, so I don’t understand why she is trying to avoid me. I think it's the hormones. You know how moody pregnant women get. I mean, we're hundreds of feet deep in the ocean. It's difficult for her to avoid me. She should stop trying. I have tried breaking into her room to see if she has written anything negative about me. I've been unsuccessful. You can say we have a bit of a love-hate relationship. I love her, she hates me. (end Seu Jorge “Life on Mars”)

Mayday, Mayday, Mayday. There is a small fire on our boat. Our radar has stopped working, and one of our oxygen tanks popped or something. We’ve been lost at sea for days, and there is a possibility that we’ve entered uncharted waters. Isn’t it a coincidence that today is May Day?
(Pelé singing in the background)
Stop it, Pelé! He’s our safety expert. I’m making a Mayday call! It seems like nobody cares anymore. We need to find the Jaguar Shark and annihilate him. Nobody remembers that it took a giant bite out of Esteban. He was a wonderful man, a handsome guy. His smile was magnificent; the light from the sun would reflect off his shiny teeth and hit my eyes. I wish he were here. Everything was going well before he was murdered by that shark.

I drank Zebra milk the other day. It was disgusting. I don’t know why we got Zebra milk! I spit out the Zebra milk and noticed the dolphins laughing at me. We need to get rid of those dolphins… all they do is wait and burst out in laughter whenever they get the chance. People say they are intelligent animals… I have not seen any evidence of that. 

Klaus has been drinking heavily. I hope he’s able to help out with the fire effort, which doesn’t seem like much of an effort at this point. Klaus seems to be jealous of Kingsley or Ned or whatever. I think he should stick with Kingsley, it’s such a great name. I would name my son Kingsley, and ever since I found out that he might be my son a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been calling him that. I’m glad we have him on board. He’s actively trying to put out the fire. The interns are also helping out. They’re here to earn college credit. The others are either singing or drunk or doing both. Anyway, Kingsley is enthusiastic. He reminds me of a younger me. He gives me hope.

But that Jane. She insists that he keeps his original name. Oh, that pregnant minx. She is killing my relationship with Kingsley, and yet, I am in love with that woman. She’s like a jelly donut. You know she’s fattening and bad for you, but you can’t resist the sweet stuff inside. Jane interviewed me just the other day. She was asking me ridiculous questions about my personal life. I was expecting her to ask me about my favorite color. I have a feeling our interview went well though, so I don’t understand why she is trying to avoid me. I think it's the hormones. You know how moody pregnant women get. I mean, we're hundreds of feet deep in the ocean. It's difficult for her to avoid me. She should stop trying. I have tried breaking into her room to see if she has written anything negative about me. I've been unsuccessful. You can say we have a bit of a love-hate relationship. I love her, she hates me.

We are still lost at sea. People keep looking to me for leadership. I kept looking at Klaus for no apparent reason. Maybe it's just the glimmer in his eye that gives me hope. Or maybe it's the fact that he's so damn entertaining to watch whenever he's drunk. We were running low on supplies, so we decided to find one of Captain Hennessey's stations. We will steal his supplies.

 

I went into our kitchen. It is my favorite room because it is where the food is stored. It is also the room with the most technogically advanced supplies. I ate some canned Pineapple and a glass of Zebra milk. It was disgusting. I don't know why we got Zebra milk! I spit out my Zebra milk and found the Dolphins looking into our boat and laughing at me. I think we'll steal Hennessey's research Sea Turtles when we get the chance. They don't laugh. And they actually get the job done instead of observing our habits and laughing at us any chance they have.

Jane took the chance to interview me. She was asking me ridiculous questions. I wanted her to ask me about my favorite color or what music I listen to in my headgear. I don't want her asking so many personal questions. I think our interview went well though... although I don't understand why she is trying to avoid me. I think it's the hormones. You know how moody pregnant women get. I mean, we're hundreds of feet deep in the ocean. It's difficult for her to avoid me. She should stop trying. I have tried breaking into her room to see if she has written anything negative about me. I've been unsuccessful.

I was bored. I decided to take a walk... get a bit of fresh air, which is impossible since we're inside a boat. I walked into our lab room, which is where we do our experiments and whatnot. It was dusty and had a dull stench. It reminded me of Jane. I went into the observation bubble. It was a bit rusty. It smelled like vomit and other things I do not want to mention. I need to tell these guys to stop using the observation deck for purposes other than observing. The bubble is quite cozy... it's a shame. I went up to the library and glanced at the Life Aquatic companion series. I read a book about the Crayon Pony Fish. The male Crayon Pony Fish attracts females with their colorful bodies. The more colorful, the more attractive. It gave me some hope. We'll find the Jaguar Shark some day...

It was another day at sea. I found Pelé once again recording some songs with the Mongolian throat singer. I hit Pelé over the head with my red cap. I walked down the hallway and found Klaus drunk. I also hit him with my trusty red cap. It probably doesn't hurt much, but I feel it bears more meaning whenever I hit somebody on the head with it. I had a feeling they were not performing their tasks that day.

Anyway, I went into the sauna. I fell asleep. I had a dream. I felt disoriented. I looked down and promptly figured out that my head was implanted on the body of a Crayon Pony Fish. My body was colorful. I felt like a rainbow. I ate my daily meal of Blue Spiral Algae and Purple Fur Seaweed. I swam up to swallow water and saw the glassy reflection of my face. It was my head at 11 and a half years old. It was my favorite age. I had a genuine smile on my face, void of the sarcasm that usually consumes it.

Someone was calling out my name. It was Jane, deflated and holding a baby in her skinny arms. The little one was wearing a red cap and a mini speedo... you know, for kids. The sea was peaceful. I could hear a man singing in Portuguese. I could also hear a familiar piercing sound. I couldn't put my finger on it. And then I realized I was wearing my helmet with the walkie-talkies in them. It has a rabbit ear to pipe in some music. Somehow it picks up frequencies from reality. Interesting.

...all of the sudden, the water turned violent. I was swept up and swallowed by the sea. The sky turned into an unforgiving gray. And there it was... the Jaguar Shark. I had an urge to destroy it, but the Shark smiled at me. It reminded me of Esteban and his handsome smile. The Jaguar Shark is usually found in deeper waters, but hey, it's just a dream... right?

I woke up and found my body in wrinkles. I thought I was still in a dream. But I walked out of the steamroom and found myself immersed in the listless aura that wrapped around our mission like a coiling Tree Snake. I could hear Kingsley and Jane laughing in her room. He sounds like one of those damn dolphins. She sounds like a Pink Water Monkey. Well, Stevesy has some work to do. Zissou signing off.

Calling all members of the Zissou Society:

As you know, I consider myself a Pacific Islander. I denounce anyone who says otherwise. I've been documenting my voyages to sea for years now... I have a large Asian fan base, and I am highly attentive to the needs of the Asian American community. I found a blog called "Angry Asian Man." Now I think it's a shame that there's a blog fighting for Asian Americans when race issues ideally should not be a problem in the United States in the first place. We like to think we have advanced as a society, that racism has decreased signficantly. But it hasn't... it is still at large; it is a problem we face every day of our lives. A lot of the blame should be placed on the mainsteam media and how Asian are portrayed through these media outlets. Unfortunately, we live in an image based society; one in which quick, stereotypical judgements are based on things such as your ethnicity... and clothes apparently. People seem to think I am an idiot just because I wear this red cap and speedo ensemble, but they're wrong!

In conclusion, I am glad that the Angry Asian Man blog exists. I want my Zissou Society members to be aware of these issues, and I think the blog does a great job of exposing them to its readers.

P.S. Hey Klaus... if you get this memo, remind me to send Ichiro a red cap and a Speedo.

We were in the middle of a mission to destroy the elusive Jaguar Shark that killed Esteban. However, our radar stopped working in the middle of the Sea of Japan. It was a hot afternoon. My sweat drenched my beautiful red cap into a grimy, crimson mess. I think about Esteban frequently. He was a wonderful man, a very handsome guy. His smile was magnificent; the light from the sun would reflect off his shiny teeth and hit my eyes. This occurred frequently. I think he used special whitening toothpaste. My mother would always warn me, “Don’t look at the sun, Stevie. It would damage your eyes.” I kept telling her to call me Stevesy, my preferred nickname. One day, I looked at the sun in an act of rebellion. From that day on, it became a habit. I might have glaucoma, but it’s probably from old age.

Anyway, I believed we were drifting north. I could tell by the abundance of Crayon Pony Fish. They are interesting specimens. My son, Ned Kingsley, always talks to the pregnant lady. I think she is trying to break up our great father-son relationship, which was built on years of trust and unconditional love. We are now rivals chasing an inflated woman while stranded in the middle of nowhere. You see, I have a thing for Jane. She and I, we have a bit of a love-hate relationship. I love her, she hates me.

            We kept drifting until we heard this piercing sound in the distance, behind the misty, dense fog. It was hurting my ears, but it was oddly pleasant. At first, we thought the noise was coming from our research dolphins, but they don’t usually make this noise. They’re usually laughing at me. I hate those annoying dolphins. We sailed closer to the mysterious sound, hoping that we were inching towards land. But instead, we found a lone Mongolian throat singer in a rowboat. He was also lost. We decided to let him onto our ship. I gave him a red cap and a Speedo to wear. He looked like a true Team Zissou member except for the fact that he wore fur boots over the Speedo. Although… I like the fashion choice. We might have to add that to the ensemble. Our safety expert Pelé has been collaborating with the throat singer. We Zissous are a talented bunch.